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How To Hold Those Who
Harm Accountable
If you have a friend or loved one using abusive behaviors toward their partner or ex, it’s likely important to talk to them about it, especially if your friend values your opinion.
But how do you do that? There’s a lot to consider that comes before the actual conversation.
Try these 10 steps
Learn Before you act, make sure you understand the dynamics of abuse.
Understanding
Abusive Behaviors
Learn what behaviors are present in an abusive relationship.
Understanding
Power & Control
Learn about the role of power and control in relationship violence.
Understanding
Warning Signs
Learn what indicators can help you identify abuse in a relationship.
Reflect Before you talk to them, understand where you are by asking yourself:
- Why am I getting involved?
- What are my feelings towards abuse?
- Do I have the emotional support that I need?
- What do I expect to happen?
- How do past experienced influence my feelings?
- Am I putting my or someone else’s safety at risk?
Consider Prepare yourself by keeping these important points in mind:
Be Supportive
Take a non-shaming, non-blaming approach that doesn’t make the person feel like they are being attacked or judged.
Don’t Try to Be A Hero
Instead of following your impulse to rescue them, provide support and resources.
Know your limits
It’s not your job to fix the situation. Provide them with information, support, and details about the Call for Change Helpline.
Don’t take it personally
The person may not want to listen to what you have to say yet, so just focus on providing them with information that they may use later.
What Not to Do Almost as important as knowing what to do is knowing what to avoid:
- Don’t blame the person experiencing abuse
- Don’t argue with them
- Don’t tell them what they “have to” do
- Don’t criticize either person in the relationship
- Don’t accept excuses for the abuse
- Don’t put yourself in harm’s way
Start the Conversation Find a quiet, private place to talk and being by asking:
- How are things between you and ______?
- You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
- Have you heard of the Call For Change Helpline?
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
- Is everything going well in your relationship?
- Did you know ______ about relationship violence?
- Do you know how common relationship violence is?
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
State Your Concerns Be sure to talk to them in a non-shaming, non-blaming manner:
- I’ve seen things like…
- I’m concerned by the way you talk to ______.
- I don’t think it’s OK when you…
- Do you notice how your behavior impacts ______?
- I don’t like how I’ve seen you treat ______.
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
The Discussion Remember to be supportive and continually remind them you are here to help:
- You know how much I care about you, right?
- I want you to have a healthy relationship.
- There is no excuse, you are choosing this behavior.
- Your abusive behavior won’t be tolerated.
- Do you know how much your abuse impacts others?
- There are consequences for your actions.
- Change is possible and help is available.
Provide Resources Don’t try to do it alone. Tell them about the support and resources available:
Call the Helpline
If you need immediate help, call the Call For Change Helpline at 877-898-3411, or visit our Find Help page to see a directory of crisis lines by county for Colorado.
Contact a DV Treatment Provider
Find a DVOMB-approved provider in Colorado. These providers typically offer treatment for individuals with domestic violence convictions and a court mandate for classes; however, some providers do accept self-referrals.
Follow-up After the initial conversation, don’t let the issue fall back behind closed doors:
- It is ok to get involved
- Call out abusive behavior, it could save a life
- Hold the person using abusive behaviors accountable
- Continue to encourage them to seek help
- Remember you might be the only person to intervene
- Let them know that you are there for them
Never Give Up Continue to voice your concerns, provide support, and remember:
- Change takes time
- You may not have an immediate impact
- Changing abusive behaviors requires a serious decision
- Every situation is different
- They might not be ready to listen yet
- Encouragement increases their chances of seeking help
- People using abusive behaviors need support to change
