How To Hold Those Who
Harm Accountable

Reflect Before you talk to them, understand where you are by asking yourself:

• Why am I getting involved?
• What are my feelings towards abuse?
• Do I have the emotional support that I need?
• What do I expect to happen?
• How do past experienced influence my feelings?
• Am I putting my or someone else’s safety at risk?

Consider Prepare yourself by keeping these important points in mind:

What Not to Do Almost as important as knowing what to do is knowing what to avoid:

• Don’t blame the person experiencing abuse
• Don’t argue with them
• Don’t tell them what they “have to” do
• Don’t criticize either person in the relationship
• Don’t accept excuses for the abuse
• Don’t put yourself in harm’s way

Start the Conversation Find a quiet, private place to talk and being by asking:

• How are things between you and ______?
• You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
• Have you heard of the Call For Change Helpline?
• I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
• Is everything going well in your relationship?
• Did you know ______ about relationship violence?
• Do you know how common relationship violence is?
• I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?

State Your Concerns Be sure to talk to them in a non-shaming, non-blaming manner:

• I’ve seen things like…
• I’m concerned by the way you talk to ______.
• I don’t think it’s OK when you…
• Do you notice how your behavior impacts ______?
• I don’t like how I’ve seen you treat ______.
• I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?

The Discussion Remember to be supportive and continually remind them you are here to help:

• You know how much I care about you, right?
• I want you to have a healthy relationship.
• There is no excuse, you are choosing this behavior.
• Your abusive behavior won’t be tolerated.
• Do you know how much your abuse impacts others?
• There are consequences for your actions.
• Change is possible and help is available.

Provide Resources Don’t try to do it alone. Tell them about the support and resources available:

Follow-up After the initial conversation, don’t let the issue fall back behind closed doors:

• It is ok to get involved
• Call out abusive behavior, it could save a life
• Hold the person using abusive behaviors accountable
• Continue to encourage them to seek help
• Remember you might be the only person to intervene
• Let them know that you are there for them

Never Give Up Continue to voice your concerns, provide support, and remember:

• Change takes time
• You may not have an immediate impact
• Changing abusive behaviors requires a serious decision
• Every situation is different
• They might not be ready to listen yet
• Encouragement increases their chances of seeking help
• People using abusive behaviors need support to change